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Relationship Advice - Communication Styles

Obviously, men and women communicate with different basic styles. Women will often talk to connect. Men will usually talk to make points and problem solve.

Clearly this can cause problems in relationships. We can end up arguing or not feeling heard. So understanding more of your talking style and your mate's can help further intimacy between you.

Speaking in generalities, a basic male communication style is to take charge and make points in a conversation. Men are territorial by instinct, and this shows up in conversation. They may interrupt more, try to make points, and then argue or try to convince people that their points are correct.

Also, men like to problem solve. It is the hunter killer instinct. If there is a deer and you need meat, you have to kill the deer. If there is a problem, then you have to kill the problem. You have to solve it if you can. So men like to identify problems (the boss sucks, your sister is a mess) and then, whenever possible, offer solutions (you should get a new job, your should tell your sister to stop being a doormat). Just note that men don't have to have good solutions, but they will offer them up.

A basic female communication style can be called Connective Considering. Yes, women can solve problems and get to the point, but they are usually not territorial or dominant in their talking style. They actually use communication to connect with their partner. They talk out loud. They are sharing their on going process. They don't wait to talk until they have it all figured out.

A woman will say her boss sucks, then share that the boss is having a hard time in their relationship.  When they do this, they are connecting with their mate, sharing their process. They aren't trying to drive a point home or get to a big final resolution. They can make points that seem unrelated.  They are reflecting and considering about their experience and the various pieces of it.

This style often drives men nuts. Saying the boss sucks is good, they are with you. The deer is identified. Saying the boss is having love problems is irrelevant. You don't need to know the deer is having relationship issues to kill it! Just shoot the darn deer by quitting your job.

The way the sexes communicate differently is vast. But if you get that men like to make clear points and kill off problems, and that women often like to communicate to share and connect and reflect, you are off to a great start. Then you can try this: take some time each week to communicate in your mate's style, not yours, and see what happens.

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