Negotiating as a Couple]
Being able to communicate with your partner effectively is only half the battle when it comes to resolving~is important but it is only half the battle when it comes to resolving~is only half of the solution to~can only ever be half of the solution to} getting support with your relationship problems. Equally important is the ability to negotiate. A study into relationship counseling has shown that this technique achieves the best results. It will be an advantage if you have good communication skills , and the two can be aproached in the same way. Remember to be clear and keep to the point. You should also avoid closure, remain reasonable, do not assume to know what your partner wants and never blame your partner. However, here are a few additional pieces of advice to remember when negotiating.
Turning an argument into a negotiation
As with communication, the first rule of successful negotiation is to stay focused on the future instead of clinging to the past. All complaints are by definition part of the past, and it is important to convert them into requests or wishes for the future. For example of negotiation, if any person were to say to her spouse ‘I hate it when you come home late from work’, this could instead be changed to this ‘I would prefer you to come home sooner from work.’ The second is said in a much more positive way and so is much more likely to get a positive response from her partner than the first. Most relationship issues can be re-worded in this way, increasing the possibility of your request being acknowledged. Making a complaint can often lead to an argument. This strategy minimizes this possibility.
Explain your needs clearly
The next step in improving your negotiating skills is learning how to make your requests more specific and to express them more clearly. Here’s an example, if you say to your partner ‘I want you to be more positive to me’, it would be difficult for them to understand exactly what you mean. This statement does not make it clear where, when or how you would like to be treated differently. You would have to be clearer and more specific. For example, you might instead say ‘I’d be much happier if you would back me up when we are out at dinner with Michael’, this is clearer and much more easy to interpret, so your partner can take it into consideration and hopefully act upon it at the appropriate time.
Other requests could be a little more practical than that. You may simply say ‘I want you to help me with the housework.’ Again this could be seen as too general, and it would be beneficial if you say ‘Please could you help me wash and dry the dishes.’ The more clearly expressed a request is, the greater the chance that it will be fulfilled. This also makes it easier to be sure whether or not it’s been carried out when the time comes to evaluate how your partner has responded to your requests.
Focus on the future
If you’re desperate to know how to save a relationship, you should be looking to the future. The previous examples demonstrate the importance of being clear and specific when making a request. These examples of potential negotiations are both ‘future orientated’. They show how easy this type of negotiation can be. The alternative is to make the comment ‘It would have been better if you would have shown me more support at dinner last week.’ This is very specific but it is also not future oriented and is in the form of a complaint rather than a request. Your partner can do nothing to correct the mistake, as it has happened already. Your partner will know not to make the same mistake a second time but cannot undo what he or she has already done.
Likewise the statement of helping around the house is not easy to relate to if you word it like this ‘You never help out with the housework.’ If you say it like that you’re saying it in the form of a complaint. If you took the attitude of broaching it as a request it has a much higher chance to be received in a more constructive light. Requesting for your spouse to address their behavior in the future will be taken a great deal more seriously.
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